SO WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THERE?
I want to understand their brain more.
You know their brain works differently. But sometimes “their brain works differently” still leaves you wondering how all of this can be true at the same time.
remembers every detail about something they love forgets what I said fourteen seconds ago
can focus for hours on one thing can't seem to start another
knows what to do still can't get there
It can look confusing from the outside. It makes a whole lot more sense once you know what the brain is actually being asked to do.
WHAT YOU SEE ISN'T ALWAYS THE WHOLE STORY
Sometimes they're doing more than it looks like.
You say something completely reasonable. They don't move. They don't answer. They just... look at you. And after the third time today, it's pretty easy to land on they aren't listening to me.
YOU “Can you go upstairs, grab your shoes, get your water bottle, and meet me by the door?”
...blank stare.
Your brain: Did literally any of that enter your ears?
That blank stare might be a very busy brain.
They may have heard every word. But now their brain has to hold onto it long enough to use it. Shoes. Water bottle. Door.
They have to figure out what comes first, shift away from whatever they were already doing, keep the rest of the directions from disappearing, and then actually get started.
And if they're anxious, overwhelmed, distracted, tired, or already carrying a lot of sensory input? That same ordinary request can take even more work.
Some of this has names like processing, working memory, shifting, sequencing, and task initiation. You don't need a vocabulary quiz. You just need to know those jobs exist.
Silence can be work.
KEEP THIS IN YOUR BACK POCKET Before adding more words, give their brain a second.
If they're still processing, repeating the entire direction—or adding three new questions—can give their brain even more to sort through. “Take a second.” PAUSE “What's the first thing you need to do?” You didn't lower the expectation. You made the doorway into the expectation easier to find.
And it won't always mean the same thing.
That's the tricky part. The exact same blank stare could be a kid who is...
Or yes— sometimes they're just annoyed that you told them to get their shoes. Different brain or not, they're still a kid.
You don't have to decode them perfectly. Just leave a little room between what I see and what I decide it means.
Sometimes that little bit of room changes what happens next.WHAT YOU SEE ISN'T ALWAYS THE WHOLE STORY
Sometimes they're doing more than it looks like.
You say something completely reasonable. They don't move. They don't answer. They just... look at you. And after the third time today, it's pretty easy to land on they aren't listening to me.
YOU “Can you go upstairs, grab your shoes, get your water bottle, and meet me by the door?”
...blank stare.
ADULT BRAIN THINGS: Did literally any of that enter your ears?
That blank stare might be a very busy brain.
They may have heard every word. But hearing the words and being ready to do something with them aren't quite the same thing.
Their brain still has to hold onto the information long enough to use it. Shoes. Water bottle. Door. Figure out what comes first. Shift away from whatever they were already doing. Keep the rest from disappearing. Then actually get started.
And if they're anxious, overwhelmed, distracted, tired, or already carrying a lot of sensory input? That same ordinary request can take even more work.
There are official names for a lot of this: processing, working memory, shifting, sequencing, and task initiation. You don't need to memorize them. You just need to know those invisible jobs are happening.
Silence can be work.
KEEP THIS IN YOUR BACK POCKET Before adding more words, give their brain a second.
If they're still processing, repeating the entire direction—or adding three new questions—can give their brain even more to sort through. “Take a second.” PAUSE “What's the first thing you need to do?” You didn't lower the expectation. You gave their brain a little more room to find the first step.
And it won't always mean the same thing.
That's the tricky part. The exact same blank stare could be a kid who is...
Or yes— sometimes they're just annoyed that you told them to get their shoes. Different brain or not, they're still a kid.
You don't have to decode them perfectly. Just leave a little room between what I see and what I decide it means.
Sometimes that little bit of room changes what happens next.SAME KID. SAME SKILL. DIFFERENT LOAD.
ADHD can make that access inconsistent. The skill may still be there, even when getting to it is hard.
That can look a lot like “won’t.”
when there may be a whole lot more happening underneath.